"Ex-spouse molested our son, psychiatrist eval. was that he was a sociopath/psychopath & addicted to porn; said these cases are that they are molested themselves, recruited through porn, or both. He said there are 5 stages of porn addiction AND it changes brain chemistry just like drugs/alcohol changes brain chemistry: 1) viewing leads to experimenting, 2) beastology, 3) child porn leads to stalking children for molesting, 4) experiment with same-gender "attraction" that's prevalent in porn, leading to homosexuality, 5) bondage (whips, chains) leads to "snuff" films with simulated rape or murder which ends in real murder because none of the other stages of addiction can offer the sexual "high" any more. Yeah, learned more about it than I ever wanted to know.
Can get over it, but only with professional rehab, just like drugs/alcohol, AND having the desire to get over it.(My ex had no desire)Heard Dr. Laura on radio once state the ONLY thing that helps the victims is if the perp turns himself/herself (yes, it's both) in and refuses any "deals," taking the full brunt for their actions, because until then the victim can't heal, have assumed it's their fault and that they, the victim, is the "bad guy," but if the perp takes full responsibility for their actions by publicly confessing to being the "bad guy" and demand the full consequences, Dr. Laura stated that only then can the victim heal.The Judge (60-120 yrs. life sentence) did the RIGHT thing--now make sure the parole board doesn't let him loose based on "crowded conditions" or "good behavior," some other excuse.
And yes, it IS possible for the wife not to know because they go to great lengths to hide it until they're caught--in our case, my ex was unemployed a lot, with my being the breadwinner and he being "Mr. Mom," until one day I walked in on him molesting our son, with my child crying and screaming, "No, Daddy, no, Daddy!" Asked ex-spouse-to-be what he was doing, he laughed, grabbed my 2-1/2 yr. old and wrapped a bath towel around his little naked body and carried him out of the room, hugging and holding him in the living room, assuring him that he'd done the right thing to refuse, and that he did not have to do anything Daddy was asking him to do like that any more, then called the psychiatrist marriage counselor (Yes, should've called police right at that time, because within hours he was lying his face off, his word against mine of what I'd witnessed). Divorce lawyer said only the multiple adulteries and the one choking event could be used in divorce, but the molesting couldn't be used in court for the divorce because too many women were using this as a false accusation that never happened just to get a divorce, and judges were ruling in favor of the abuser. Did tell me to have things packed on the day the divorce would be heard in court, and move out of state that same day to protect my child from further abuse, that filing charges would cause SRS to be involved with "supervised visits" that would cause the child more emotional-mental-spiritual harm which would not allow any healing, and to get ahead of the ex-spouse's intention to file court papers that would not allow the child to ever leave the state for any reason (family, vacation, advanced scout field trips, etc.)
Child, age 3 after divorce, role-played the events, then would clam up and not talk about it--many counselors repeatedly stated this meant the child had been threatened with death or death to Mommy, or both, if ever told, so child became creative in role-playing it so that it wouldn't be considered as "telling" anybody. Child lost memory of it, as far as known, but kept the very low self-esteem and self-worth (2 different traits) that Dr. Laura talked about. Warned by psychiatrist to never demonize the ex-spouse in front of child, or child would reject himself and gender. Also warned that the potential was there that my child could, not would but Could, end up abusing his own children when they reached the same age that he was when he'd been abused. Paid lots of money on counselors and tutors to help my child grow up with whatever was needed to help him be free of that nightmarish ghost.
Age 14, out of rebellious anger one night, child went up on roof one winter night "to sleep" for couple of hours, then came back for help with frost bite after I'd been searching everywhere but the roof--ER at hospital labeled it as attempted suicide and required 90-days observation in mental ward of hospital, or face the consequences of having him removed from my home and care permanently. Very loving Bishop, and a ward member who worked as a psychologist at the hospital, were most helpful. Hospital announced foster care would be next if not healed, and my child began dumping all 'worries' and 'concerns' on them, was considered healed at end of 90-days, came home. (At this time, child also wanted to know why birthparents gave him up for adoption, and the adoption agency was able to supply letters that the birthmother wrote, at the time of the birth and again a couple of years later, giving the reason on the first as both were in the military and did not plan to get married, and thanking the agency for helping her start a whole new life on the second one--including becoming LDS herself--and hoping her baby has a whole new life and is happy, too. This still gives me guilt, not only that it happened on my watch (which caused me to be wary and decide not to date or re-marry again until I'd finished doing my job of raising my son, getting a master's degree in behavior disorders along the way for better income---had tried a short 7-month re-marriage to someone who was a new LDS convert in name only while going back to his prior abusive "free" lifestyle, although to his credit he did adopt my son to get rid of the first loser because in his book molesting a child was the epitome of all crimes--oddly enough both ex-spouses told the divorce judge a heartfelt statement that I'd been a good wife to them, we just didn't agree on lifestyle), but it also happened after she, the birthmother, had given total faith and trust that the new parents would take care of her baby. Can't wait to meet her on the other side of the veil, if that's the only time available, and give her a hug of thanks--her "mistake" became my blessing since I couldn't give birth, and I recognize how hard it was for her to make the adoption decision. The letters gave us peace.)
One psychiatrist from hospital stayed in touch to maintain a "father figure" my son could telephone and dump on at any time, even after the psychiatrist relocated to another hospital out-of-state, coaching me to be 'just the Mom' who listens and always stands by my son, never to let the school or anyone else pull me into 'their side' that's against my son, with the school being ordered by the psychiatrist to call him when there was any 'incident' between them and my son. The abusive high school teachers finally gave up when the high school principal joined with the psychiatrist's side and my son's side of any issue where they had provoked my son into tears and anger with their hostile rejection of him and inflammatory statements about him in front of the class (yes, there are abusive teachers who admit to not liking 'special needs' students in their mainstream classes, no matter how smart or compliant the students are--my child tested in 2nd grade with 165 IQ on a bad day of "behavior" problems, but also tested as 'learning disability'--not inherited from birthparents prior to our adopting him at age 5 days old--ex-spouse claimed to counselor it was "okay to molest our son because he wasn't blood related, and he needed to use him while he experimented on whether he should remain straight, become bi-sexual, or become homosexual," direct quote, so you can tell which stage of porno addiction my ex-spouse was on--the 'learning disability' was not something that could be passed down to my son's children since it came from 2 sources--diagnosed as neurological damage from birthmother being on kidney-dialysis machine during entire 9 months of pregnancy, and diagnosed as severe subconscious trauma damage with stress overload from being molested, and this put him in special needs as the 'primary label' instead of gifted, in spite of his 2nd grade teacher fighting for the gifted class--didn't know at the time that I as the parent had legal rights and could have demanded it with her, or even sue the school district for not listening to her--gifted is considered anything above 120 IQ).
A bully incident in scouts later caused child to leave the campsite to get away from it, and that's when fishing-for-a-badge was discovered to be the outlet that led to a better self-esteem and self-worth that gave him hope and change in life, receiving awards, even some in cash, for best casting at the local Bass Pro Shop (competing with men two and three times his age who verbally stated to us to be in awe of his abilities at such a young age that took them years to perfect!), got his Eagle Scout (project for it was going back to mental hospital and taking teenaged patients--with adult staff--to local lake to teach them fishing as a substitute for drugs--staff commented repeatedly that it was the happiest they'd seen the teenaged patients since entering the hospital; made a how-to video to teach fishing for submitting to a local TV sports show), high school graduation with "B+" average, then Military Police National Guard for 6 years, stating before leaving for boot camp that the decision was made for this military police training so that 'nobody could ever abuse me again.' Had the highest rate of catching shoplifters at a national-chain retail store security job for several years (learned/innate ability to read body language on the store's security cameras), and since then has graduated from a police academy, worked as city law enforcement officer for several years, received life-saving awards, qualified for nomination of Officer of the Year on TV's "America's Most Wanted," now working with private security that has better pay, now has two very intelligent, sweet children and a very nice wife.
By dedicating my life to my son while he was growing up (although not having enough money at times, just barely enough for only our basic needs at times, thus, reason to earn degree for better job, and not having enough time while earning the master's degree and working multiple jobs since there was never any child support, re-created the feeling of "abandonment" for him that my son has had since birth when given up for adoption), in order to try to make up for what happened, and offer anything and everything that was out there to help that my master's training as a special needs teacher/school counselor could find, I'm hoping it had some influences that can hopefully sustain my son for the rest of his life. I recognized even more after my master's degree training that not all molested victims have this much going for them as an adult, and that they are subject to the cycle of abuse, accompanied with the suicidal-spiral downward their entire life. My son has been diagnosed with PTSD recently, after military and law enforcement experiences, but my gut tells me the root of all his emotional challenges still goes way back to what happened to him as a toddler (or earlier, as per ex-spouse comments to psychiatrist). Sure, it's easy for others to say 'forgive' the ex-spouse, and I have--just haven't forgotten or given excuses, used the lessons learned from it to help others. Sad to say, he's never admitted to what he did yet, calling me the liar still, but whether he was a victim as a child to another molester or not, he still continues the porno addiction, and that part he does have control over, just like any other drug/tobacco/alcoholic disease or satanic temptation where you confess and then do whatever it takes to completely forsake."
(Note from staff member: Sorry, trying to write this without divulging any names or places or any other personal info--as you can see, molesting a child has far-reaching end results, and it all started with pornography--a young woman once said to me that she didn't like the hard porn, that soft porn was okay, but did like, enjoy, and prefer the cartoon porn because it did the same thing as hard and soft porn, but provided more fun and laughter along with it. I had no idea any of that existed, and couldn't tell you what each one of them are, but it just seems to me, personally, that the media tells us all about the "bad stuff" on drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol, but you never hear the media give the details on all the "bad stuff" that goes with pornography!! And what's the driving force to seek out pornography in the first place?? True, it's thrust upon us from almost every media and advertising source, which changes our brain chemistry to crave it as any other addiction, but what else? Is it our poor diets, not enough nutrition getting to the brain? Or physical health problems that keep us from enjoying wholesome activities and relationships? Or TV "programming" that brainwashes us into seeking "reality" behind closed curtains with porno celebrities that make us feel good?
BEWARE of ANY pornography, and no matter which stage of addiction, get professional help ASAP. TV and movies are putting "soft" porn into almost everything now, so we've gone so far as to get rid of our TV ("we" being my new husband of 16 years--with no track record of womanizing, child molesting, pornography, drugs/tobacco/alcohol, etc., as per my many in-depth interviews of all his relatives, friends, customers of his retail business, and church leaders while dating, hand-holding and research only before the first kiss, plus I'd spent many years and counselors getting myself ready for the "right one," also--to get rid of that "All losers check in here for a gullible date" neon-sign that seemed to be on my own forehead), and it's amazing how soon you come out of the hypnotizing, brainwashing, programming that we all subject ourselves to with the addictive TV after getting through the withdrawal symptoms! The "Salt Lake Tribune" in August or September of 2000 had article quoting Hollywood as bragging that TV would have "X" rated TV shows during prime time viewing within the next 10 years. Well, we're there, folks! And remember, the professional help needs to know that porn is bad, since they could be addicted to it themselves, and see nothing wrong with it. Listen to the warnings. God needs you to be fully awake and aware of what's out there in the cold-cruel-Babylon-world, in order to take care of yourself and your family, in order to be in His 'new army of stripling warriors' that He's called for back in 2002 to take on Satan [LDS Gen. Conf., Elder L. Tom Perry], in order to assist in building His kingdom, and best of all, in order to return to Him. Tell Satan to go take a hike you-know-where all by himself, that he's not getting your mind or your body, and you're not going there with him! If you're reading this, that means you have a body, therefore, that means you passed the "tests" in the pre-existence to qualify to come to Earth to get a body, and means you were on the winning side of the War in Heaven. It's also proof that you didn't allow yourself to be suckered into Satan's web then, so don't let yourself get suckedered into it now!)
